Christmas Day has come and everyone is sitting around, ready to begin the Christmas feast.
“Time to pull the crackers!” is called and everyone groans in response – not only at the thought of having to wear a ridiculously silly paper hat, but it’s time to read out the truly dreadful jokes that pop out of the crackers (or ‘bon-bons’ as some prefer to call them).
Well “jokes” is hardly the correct description. Neither is “riddles”, as they are usually of the weakest, non-funny type of humour imaginable.
But, some say that it is part of the Christmas Day tradition;
the collective moaning after each “joke’ is heard.
What do you think?
Here are some samples:
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Q: Where do you take a sick horse?
Q: What is the most popular wine at Christmas? (whine)
A: Do we have to eat all these Brussels sprouts? (obviously British joke)
Q: Who embarrasses everyone at the Xmas party?
Q: What do you call a snowman in the Sahara desert?
Q: Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
A: Elfish Presley.
Q; What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow
Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?
A: So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Q: Knock, knock
A: Who's there?
Q: Arthur who?
A: Arthur any mince pies left?
Q: My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. (not really a question)
A: He was pulled in by a strong current (currant).
Q: Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A: Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Q: What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A: He got 25 days!
Q: What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A: A Holly Davidson!
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker!
Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A: A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws
Q: What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
A: The elf-abet!
Q: What did Santa say to the smoker?
A: Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Q: What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Q: Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
A: They always drop their needles!
Q; Did Rudolph go to school?
A: No. He was Elf-taught!
Q: Why did the turkey join the band?
A: Because it had the drumsticks!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A: Ice caps!
Q; How do snowmen get around?
A: They ride an icicle!
Q: What do you call a cat in the desert?
A: Sandy Claws!
Q: What does Santa do with fat elves?
A: He sends them to an Elf Farm!
Q: What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
A: It's Christmas, Eve!
Q: How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
A: 25. There’s "no EL"!
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Q: What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
A: Nice gnawing you!
Q: What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
A: Jingle Smells!
Q: What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Q: Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
A: Noël Coward!
Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q: Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: Because they were two deer!
Q: How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
A: They had a weigh in a manger!
Q: Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars
A: Because their days are numbered.
Some slightly (only slightly) better ones…………
Q: How did Scrooge win the football game?
A: The ghost of Christmas passed!
Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A: A mince spy!
Q: What carol is heard in the desert?
A: O camel ye faithful!
Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
A: Cross Mouse Cards!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Well, now you are prepared. You have been forewarned and are readying your best moaning comment – or perhaps this list will enable you to provide an answer to a joke that is read out at your celebration dinner.
How clever will that make you feel?
Not? ☺ ☺ Happy Christmas!
I choose to comment on social issues and write creatively on a variety of subjects - for a variety of audiences.