Christmas Cracker Jokes...groan......

Christmas Day has come and everyone is sitting around, ready to begin the Christmas feast.

“Time to pull the crackers!” is called and everyone groans in response – not only at the thought of having to wear a ridiculously silly paper hat, but it’s time to read out the truly dreadful jokes that pop out of the crackers (or ‘bon-bons’ as some prefer to call them).

Well “jokes” is hardly the correct description. Neither is “riddles”, as they are usually of the weakest, non-funny type of humour imaginable.

But, some say that it is part of the Christmas Day tradition;
the collective moaning after each “joke’ is heard.

What do you think?

Here are some samples:


Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff.  

Q: Where do you take a sick horse?
A: Horspital.   

Q: What is the most popular wine at Christmas?  (whine)
A: Do we have to eat all these Brussels sprouts? (obviously British joke)  

Q: Who embarrasses everyone at the Xmas party?
A: Rude-olf.   

Q: What do you call a snowman in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost.   

Q: Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
A: Elfish Presley.  

Q; What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow  

Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?
A: So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Q: Knock, knock
A: Who's there?
     Arthur
Q: Arthur who?
A: Arthur any mince pies left?

Q: My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. (not really a question)
A: He was pulled in by a strong current (currant).

Q: Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

A: Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

Q: What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

A: He got 25 days!

Q: What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A: A Holly Davidson!

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A: A Christmas Quacker!

Q: What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A: A broken drum, you just can't beat it!  

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

A: Santa Jaws

Q: What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

A: The elf-abet!

Q: What did Santa say to the smoker?
A: Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!  

Q: What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

A: Horn-aments!  

Q: Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

A: They always drop their needles!  

Q; Did Rudolph go to school?
A: No. He was Elf-taught!

Q: Why did the turkey join the band?

A: Because it had the drumsticks!  

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite!  

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?

A: Ice caps!  

Q; How do snowmen get around?
A: They ride an icicle!

Q: What do you call a cat in the desert?

A: Sandy Claws!  

Q: What does Santa do with fat elves?

A: He sends them to an Elf Farm!  

Q: What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

A: It's Christmas, Eve!

Q: How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

A: 25. There’s "no EL"!

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: Tinsilitis!

Q: What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

A: Nice gnawing you!  

Q: What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

A: Jingle Smells!  

Q: What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
A: Mistle-toad!  

Q: Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

A: Noël Coward!

Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!  

Q: Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: Because they were two deer!  

Q: How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
A: They had a weigh in a manger!  

Q: Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars
A: Because their days are numbered.

 

  Some slightly (only slightly) better ones…………


Q: How did Scrooge win the football game?

A: The ghost of Christmas passed!  

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even!  

Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A: A mince spy!  

Q: What carol is heard in the desert?

A: O camel ye faithful!  

Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

A: Cross Mouse Cards!  

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a     hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

 

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Well, now you are prepared. You have been forewarned and are readying your best moaning comment – or perhaps this list will enable you to provide an answer to a joke that is read out at your celebration dinner.

How clever will that make you feel?

Not?  ☺ ☺  Happy Christmas!